On Being the 'Smart Kid' CW FOR MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES 30/03/26
Ever since I was young, I was always the 'smart kid'. I've always been the kid with the best grades, the 'pleasure to have in class' and the kid teachers wished they had more of in their class. I even haunt the narrative of my old English teacher's yr 11 class, as my good friend Midst will tell you.
Being smart is seen as something to aspire to. We're told that if you do well in school you'll go onto get a degree at a top univeristy and then go onto getting a good job. At school pupils are rewarded for academic success (I have a collection of all the trinkets I've aquired over the years from award assemblies) and your peers will always tell you how jealous they are of you.
But being smart isn't always a great thing. In this piece, I'm not going to talk about the horrific impact growing up as the 'smart kid' has; it's important to talk about but it's usually the only thing that's talked about. I want to focus more on the dehumanisation, loneliness and difficulties of being the 'smart kid'.
Now I will be the first to admit that my social skills are not great. Even existing in a public space makes me feel like a deer in headlights and I really struggle with friendships. However, lack of social skills aside, being the 'smart kid' is lonely. In my experience, your peers don't see you as human. You're a dictionary or google, someone who can give you answers or last minute tips before an exam, but you're not a person and you're certainly not friend material. I once had a girl in my class say that she was glad she was sat between me and another person because it meant she had me for help and the other person to talk to. That really hurt to hear and it's stuck with me. There are even people who have only ever spoken to me when they needed help.
Being reduced down to your intellegence and your usefullness to people sucks and it's dehumanising. I've spent many nights, wide awake,wishing that people would see me as a person.
There's also the lonliness of being nerdy. I love education and learning, ask any of my teachers and they would tell you how passionate I was for literature, history and French. I enjoyed those subjects both in and out of school. Not a lot of teenagers do enjoy academic subjects in general and they especially do not pursue them as interests outside of school. It's hard to share your passion and excitement for academia when you're friends will just tune you out or roll their eyes. When I finally ended up in a friend group of nerds, it was amazing. We would study together, we would talk about our interests together and we'd listen to each other when we ranted about Shakespeare or Henry VIII or science. But I only found them in my last 2 years of high school. Throughout primary and most of secondary, I was a bit of an odd one out.
The third issue comes down to how much you slip under the radar as the 'smart kid'. Since I was a child I've always struggled with feeling useless. Sure I was incredibly smart and did well at school but outside of school, I felt like I couldn't do anything. I struggled with keeping my room clean, I struggled with maintaining hobbies, I was always losing things or accidently breaking them. This feeling only worsened as I got older. I started to become aware of my shortcomings.
Like a lot of undiagnosed neurodivergent folks, I started seeing content about things like adhd during the pandemic. For many years I refused to acknowldege how much I related to what I saw. I was smart and did well at school, never mind my inability to sit still, sleep or keep things clean. I couldn't possibly have adhd, that's what misbehaving kids with poor grades have, not students like me.
I'm sure you can see where this is going dear reader.
Eventually I did start to accept that I probably have adhd. unfortunately I can't pursue a diagnosis until I move out as my mum believes adhd is a made up disorder that people say misbehaving kids have so they can avoid any responsibility. But every time I sit on my floor and wish that I could just keep my room clean (if haven't picked up on it this is one of the areas I really struggle with)and maybe have a little cry out of frustration, I wonder to myself how no one picked up on my symptoms. The answer is pretty obvious, I'm the 'smart kid'. No one picked up on it because it didn't impact my school that much, hell it even helped sometimes. When I was doing my GCSES I ended up hyperfixating on English lit which helped me get 158/160 on my exams. The downside of this is that I couldn't sleep because I was constantly analysing things in my head and I didn't vaccumn my room for 2 years(tbf I still struggle to, but thats more of a chronic illness thing). I've learnt that if something doesn't bother your teachers, they won't pick up on it, no matter the impact on your personal life. So whilst my fellow late diagnosed friends were getting their diagnoses and support, I was stuck having a weekly breakdown over revision and trying to not to have a panic attack every 5 seconds.
The same is true for mental health. I've struggled with various mental health issues since I was 10. In high school, it got really bad. However, I wasn't the type to skip class or misbehave or let my grades slip. My school was aware of my struggles but never did anything to help because it didn't impact them. I begged for help and support every single year I was at my high school and I never received it. Meanwhile my friends who's attendance, conduct and grades were imapacted by their struggles received support.
And my school wonder why I didn't stay on for sixth form.
I struggles for years whilst in high school and almost didn't make it out but the sad reality is, my struggles didn't become a nuisance so they were ignored and that is my biggest issue with being the 'smart kid'.
My intention for this piece isn't to be a vent, I'm hoping it reads like an inside scoop on the struggles of being the 'smart kid'. I wish that people would understand us more and realise that being the 'smart kid' isn't all it's cracked up to be. I also hope that any other 'smart kids' who have felt similar things read this and know that they are not alone and that they are more that numbers and letters on a piece of paper.
23/03/26
Here Comes The Mother Fucking Bride!
4/5
Critic's hate it, the weirdos of Tumblr love it and personally, I never trust the opinions of old white men, especially after what they did to Lisa Frankenstein (2024). Maggie Gyllenhaal's 'The Bride!'(2026) is a fever dream of a film that has everything I look for in cinema. Beautiful and bright cinematography, memorable costumes, an angry woman with her adoring husband and the icon herself, Mary Shelley. Also, as a certified Frankenstein film fan, I already loved the movie before I saw it.
The film has sadly not done aswell as I thought it would and I understand why. It's weird, it's unconventional and the plot can feel a bit confusing at times with a few of the subplots not being fleshed out as much as I would have liked or feeling kind of dropped it. However, I still thoroughly enjoyed this film. I can 100% see it becoming a cult classic in a decade, alongside Lisa Frankenstein.
If you're a fan of weird films, female rage or Lisa Frankenstein, I would highly recommend checking out this film.
23/03/26
Nothing can ever prepare you for this
Anyone can become disabled at anytime is something you'll often hear disabled folks saying, I've said it myself a few times. It's meant to highlight the importance of being an ally to disabled folks and advocating for our rights and our needs by pointing out that everyone will become disabled at some point; that could be through an accident, old age or you might wake up one day with a chronic illness. It's an important statement and I definitely think non-disabled people (or not yet disabled as I heard one person say) need to remember that.
However, even those of us who are already disabled, forget that we can still develop other conditions at anytime, or atleast I did. Well, thats' a lie. I
've spent the past few months worrying that I would develop another condition. It's a scary thought when you're barely managing the ones you already have. I knew it was likely I'd end up with another illness or disorder, I just forgot how quickly it can happen.
When I was 11, I got my first period. It was absolute hell and ever since then I've been determined to get a hysterectomy. I most likely had endometriosis and adenomyosis before I had started my periods but for the past 6 years, it didn't really bother me that much. I only had issues the week before and week of my period and then I'd go back to being fine. Over the years my symptoms did get worse but I didn't consider myself disabled. Then, on October 3rd 2025, I woke up. I felt really nauseous but I went about my morning and went to school. Two hours later I had to go home, the nausea was so bad that I couldn't focus. Then the pain started, and it hasn't stopped 5 months later. That day everything changed. Before that day I had toyed with the idea of considering myself disabled but that was the day my conditions really became a disability. It all happened so fast, the day before I was fine, the day after I wasn't.
Over the past few months I have settled into my idenity as someone who is disabled by endometriosis and adenomyosis, those were my conditions and that was it. But, as I'm sure you can guess, that has changed.
Last Monday, I was sat where I am now (on my bean bag in my room) doing the exact same thing that I'm doing now (coding), my legs were twitchy and it was bugging me, but I didn't think it meant anything. All of a sudden, my head started going back on its own. It felt like someone had attatched a string to my head and they were pulling it. I freaked out, ran to my parents room in tears and then proceeded to spend 15 very long hours in pediatric A&E. When I was finally discharged, I was told that I possibly have functional neurological disorder. In 24 hours, my life had been changed once again. I'm trying to get used to the idea that I have another condition, I still can't believe it. It was, and still is, a huge shock.
Nothing can prepare you for becoming disabled, and nothing can prepare you for developing another condition. It's hard and it sucks. No one wants to be disabled (unless you're someone who identifies as 'transabled' in which case, please fuck off) and no one want's to develop more conditions. I'd rather not be disabled but I was atleast becoming tolerant to the idea that I am, and I was just finally starting to find my footing. But now I have a new condition and who knows, maybe I'll develop another.